Wednesday, 26 May 2010


Hi all,I hope you're well,I havent been about much lately,my computer blew up and youd think it would be so easy to get,I went to argos they wanted to take my money and deliver it up to 28 days later,that was no good as I needed it now,so did P.C world and currys,so I went to Tesco,the one they showed on shelf wasnt as it said and I was getting really fed up,however I settled for one the same size specs as the argos one,same price and its really great.My last one sounded like a dying duck in a thunder storm,this one is silent,its lovely.Ive got 3gb ram and 320gb hard drive,thats triple what I had before....(no I dont get the specs either but I sounded impressive didnt I?)
Whats up with the format of posting here? I didnt ask for spell check or word,Ive got little red lines under the words here,I dont care Im not gramatically correct anyhoo.
I had to go to the doctors the other day,about two weeks ago I found a lump on my breast,when I saw the doctor he asked me to come back in two weeks to see what its doing...I cant say its doing an awful lot,so anyway I went back and was told its nothing to worry about but I can have a mammogram anyway.Not to worry? Ever since I was put on the ruddy mini pill my life has gone down the toilet.Ive been plunged into...THE MENOPAUSE...arrgghhh.Lumps,bumps,moods,heavy bleeds,no bleeds,hot,cold,crying,angry,depressed,elated over naff all,snappy,forgetful,tired and that was just yesterday.HELP ME PLEASE !!!
Can I ask something of the ladies here present,or at least those who are going through the big 'M',Its a bit delicate,so Mort go make a coffee hun...
Has he gone? Ok,you see Ive got a small problem,actually its a bit of a big one if Im honest,is it normal during the menopause to feel aroused at the sight of baked beans? I cant go shopping without coming over know.I mean yesterday I was looking at the argos catalogue and got all hot over a light fitting.I dont know what to do,I cant grab my fella every time I feel like this,the poor soul would be bandy legged by next week !!
Its getting silly now,I bet in a few weeks Ill shrivvle up to nowt and have no damn urges at all.Typical.
Ok Mort you can come back...hey no bikkies with my coffee? Tut tut.
You cant get the staff,honestly.
I also want to say a very warm welcome to 'Ste',long time no see my lovely.One of my very best friends and hes feeling a bit down,bless him hes just found me and Im already putting him off with menopausal shananigans,ha ha,Oh well no change there I guess.Its usually toilets tho eh hun?
On that subject,my toilet is now rocking,I have to get another one,the thingy valve has gone inside and the handle broke,it feels very low on the floor,maybe its going to sink into the seventh circle of hell with everything else in this house.The seat has broken too,Oh God almighty.
I need a brain enema,anyone got any?
Well thats my news...I know you envy my life dont you,its hard being me,being so drop dead gorgeous,millions of fans following me everywhere and offers of summer season in bridlington...but I manage,Im filthy rich and Ive just had my la las supersized to a 36jjj so now I wont be running for the bus,Ill just call 118 118 and get a man and a van to ferry me......then I woke up.
Alright alright,Im a worn out,poor,menopausal,cantankerous old fart,with beard growth,underarm fluff and something strange going on in the knicker department.But you love me....yes you do.
I shall leave you now with something sensible,pay attention because theres a prize for anyone who can understand anything Christian Bale,( as batman), says...its only a chocolate hob nob but its the principal of it all...


Andy said...

Certainly a very interesting post!

mortonlake said...

one coffee,3 choccy biccys,did i miss anything while im awa.........ermmmm turns bright red.ladies bits and i go,to buy a tin of baked beans.thats where i go wrong.tut.lmao.welcome back zoe love,good to see you post.take care,love mort xxxx

Jan said...

Zoe heeee heee you little bugger ,you just make me laugh so much Im wriggling ,have to go before I erm ....and then get chapped legs....heee heee love ya Jan xx