I haven't posted here for a while,mainly because alot has gone on,but also because Ive been a bit down and I promised myself I would'nt write negative things here when Im like that.
I mentioned before I found a lump on my breast,about 6 weeks ago,anyway,thankfully after having a scan Monday,I'm all clear.That was a roller-coaster ride I can tell you,mainly because I felt so helpless,if it had been bad,how would I do things,who would look after the house the children etc etc...I realised how alone and vulnerable I was,I cant change that either,its a worry.If you think about it,its things like,who pays the rent,what about the house do I lose it? Where would the children go to? I dont have anyone for them.
However those questions can keep a girl up all night.Ive lost enough sleep.
The time is also coming that I cant seem to get over,my Dads death,a wonderful heady memory journey where I wake up seeing things in glorious technicolour.That six month period of time,where I was convinced they got the diagnosis wrong,and for the better part of that time,used the excuse of that to go and spend loads of time with him.It was only nearer the end that I was full-on caring for him,then it hit me.He was diagnosed in the April and died 10/10/2008,5pm,not a minute over,his watch stopped,the battery had gone,I still havent replaced it either,he would be cross.
He was the one I called when I needed to talk,and boy have I needed to talk.An hour a day on the phone every day,then it just stopped,no more talking,no laughing,nothing.When Im upset I want to run away,I dont want to hear harsh words,alot of the time Im the one in the wrong,Im quite headstrong,he would bring me down,make me see I was being hasty.Especially giving me the mans point of view,bless you all you men,but I dont understand you sometimes.I dont understand myself,this six month vivid memory journey,to me,means theres unfinished business and I cant move on,but I dont know what it is,its been 2 years this October.
My birthday is on the 30th of October,and I forget because everything gets in the way.
Sometimes I dont feel appreciated,like Im helping out everyone else and theres no time for me,but what would I do with the time? If Im alone,the memories consume me too much.I dont like being alone.
I dont mean lonely,Im not lonely as such,if you get me,but being alone,even for a few hours,alot of things creep up on me,not just about my Dad,alot of bad things have gone on too,its not nice when your brain tortures you.
Theres been problems in the house here,too many adults really,people need to move on,but I dont want it under a cloud,I so wanted it all to be nice,but every so often it all flares up,its always in my face,like everything is either my fault,or because of me.It doesnt help,people have forgotten what matters and have become too selfish,wanting it all but not thinking that it takes from everyone else.I try so hard,the pressure is terrible on me,everyone expects me to sort it all,pulling me this way and that,I can get angry and tell people how it is,thats the easy bit,to build bridges after is hard.I feel like Im in the way sometimes,or that Im an invisible entity,things get done by accident not because I do them,so I cant phone Dad,everyone knows that,but no-one stops and says,''hang on maybe what I just said hurt her'',no-one.
I cant phone Dad.
So I muddle on,being critisised for not doing this or saying that,or for saying something or doing something wrong.My past thrown in my face all the time,like a weapon.I havent done anything wrong in my past,but theres always a critisism.No back up,everyone else will make it up and people will talk to me again,but it wont be long before it all goes wrong again and it all turns on me,what I said or did the last time blah blah blah,no-one asks me if Im alright,I cry alone,whats the point of showing people Im grieving? Im sure people will just say get on with it,everyone loses someone.Yes they do,but I had no time to grieve,when he died,we got thrown out of the family home by my ex,I had no money for 8 weeks,children to feed,a cold winter to deal with and an agressive landlord.I wanted to curl up in a ball and hide,but I didnt.That doesnt hold any weight,no-one remembers that or when Ive not eaten for weeks on end to feed people,or when Ive given my last bit of money to someone to help out,all people remember is one time when I said someting in anger,because they were in my face.
When Im gone,no-one will feel the way I feel about Dad about me,thats a shame,not because they wont,Im sure they will,but because I dont feel they will,thats the difference between being alone,and being lonely.