Yes yes I know long time no bloggy,well I have been so busy,is it me or has the start of this year gone quickly?
Anyway,youre not here to deliberate on such things you want gossip,Im not sure youre gonna get it but hey ho.
So since I last wrote,alot has happened,firstly,( drum roll if you please),I am divorced ! Finally,the down side is the house was not sold and still isnt.I could go into the boring details but to be honest,it doesnt matter,it wasnt sold in time to avert my decision to make myself bankrupt.So on 18th january,I was declared bankrupt,with debts over £22000 !! Yes you read that right.Bank loans overdrafts charges blah blah.The cost of being married to a wombat.( im sure he reads this,but then in all fairness he did announce on facebook he was going to ruin me financially,so its old news to him).
I am still with my lovely Pete...and very happy.We are both suffering from post recession syndrome but we cant complain.Its Petes birthday soon,help is needed peeps,I got to get a fantastic pressy and quick.
Please no emails about batman costumes,I wont say any more.
Ok what else has happened? Oh yes we moved finally,what a nightmare,however we've been here since 26th june last year,so its gotta be ok.Pete still lives in his own house by the way.No we're not weird just taking things slowly,which is good.I wont say I dont get lonely,I mostly stay with him at weekends,but I have to get used to that.My feelings have grown alot in the last year,actually alot in the last six months,mainly as Ive come out of my grief alot more and my brain has got used to Dad not being here,well a bit more I guess.
I find things hard tho,as some of you remember from my old AOL blog,I had suffered from depression and anxiety.The depression doesnt go thats academic and can be lived with if I concentrate,the anxiety is less now but I have night terrors instead.I dunno if its not one thing its sommat else.
However the night terrors are few and after a bit of hard work from Pete,bless him,not often.I get them more when Im not with him,I must try and control them myself,its not up to him to do this,I do appreciate his endless patience but it must be difficult putting up with me thrashing about....(not like that,dirty minds lol !!)
The children are doing well,Im proud that they have been patient with me and my mad ways to be honest,the stress of debt and loss of my father nearly finished me off.I dont know what I would have done without the support of them and Pete.Im very lucky,Dad had been prescribed tons of morphine tablets before his death,which I returned to the pharmacy,but for one brief moment,when I sat along-side him in his chair,as he passed away,I considered not being around any more,it would have been easy.To drag myself out of that was tough.
Depression is a taker of souls,it is inside us all,it makes us give up,not care and be self hating.It makes us sad,angry and loathing,jealous and numb.All are bad feelings but its hard to control.Thats why I write,I write in freefall,just typing as I think,I dont agree with tablets,eventually you have to come off them,then what eh? Its back to all that again.
So I started my first blog,'domestic abuse' on AOL,it was linked to my website for abused women and men,it was a beacon for me,I could laugh and cry on it,sometimes even crying out for help.But in writing,others read,connected then advised,it got me through some very dark times.I dont muck about,I dont lie,if I say Im down Im not good at all,but if Im happy everyone knows.
And if my toilet leaks....then you have to hear about it !!
My pain is your pain so there.
I dont have a leaky toilet by the way,it just doesnt flush anything away,it just pours out water into the bowl then has a rest,bless it.
It must be hard being a toilet,Im not being fair am I? After all it has to look at bums all day,its only cleaned when it smells and everyone keeps yanking it....the handle I mean,minds out of gutters please.
So what else is new? I know I strayed a bit there,my daughter put me off showing me a pair of dirty boxer shorts...not mine by the way,I prefer jockeys but each to their own I guess.
Where was I? Ahh news....Ive said about the move,and Pete,the kids,and Pete,depression night terrors and Pete...although hes not connected to the latter I might add....
Oh yes,Ive changed my name back to my maiden name,I did that ages ago but I havent told anyone yet,I keep forgetting,my short term memory is terrible.
My short term memory is terrible you know.
Do you know whats terrible? Oh Ive already told you...he he.
Hmmm there was something else...ahh yes I turned 40 in october,woo hoo with a small 'w' and 'h' I might add.So now my eyesight is going,my knees are crunching,I have a strange speech impediment that means I cant stop swearing and my nipples have decided they much prefer to rest on my belly button.Bit of a hazard that when talking to smaller children and not wearing a bra...(makes mental note...must wear a bra ALWAYS).We dont want to be accused of false molestation,its a far far better thing I do now gungadin when wearing my balconette push up padded re-inforced wind sock !!
Ahh I remember when I was 18 and I could wear a strap top commando stylee.It was a hazard should the wind blow against me,but no one minds a young prominent nipple Im sure.Im in danger of dressing badly now.I like jeans and strappy tops,a year ago I looked lovely,now I look like mutton dressed as lamb,please dont say I need to wear flat fronted trousers and a checked cheesecloth overshirt.I want to die honestly.
Ok Id better finish,or I wont,please pass me around...not literally I dont have the energy,I want more readers I need to infect the whole world with my nonsense...toodle pip oh and if youre looking for me on facebook now,type in...zoe speakman.xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx