Wednesday, 20 March 2013

Well, its been a long time since I wrote here,the dogs were puppies, my house needed decorating and I was a bit younger. Only a bit...
Anyway,this has all been due to several things but one mostly, my depression.Firstly I don't feel the need to pass this onto my readers but also because its hard to talk about anything else when your mind is so full up.
 It's like a big wad of cotton wool inside your head,it's soaked up all of the important day to day things you need to remember,that the rest of the rubbish is seeping out of the edges,things like how you feel about yourself,money worries etc,the cotton wool also blocks the part of the brain that deals with rational reason,therefore something bad happens,you think it's your fault,at this point the rational reasoning part would explain how it couldn't be your fault as you don't control everything and you're not responsible for everything. However being muffled or blocked,a very odd thing happens,your cotton wool absorbs the blame,muffles the voice of reason and leaves you therefore to your own devices to randomly attack yourself at will.
It's a bit like being at a 70's disco,Saturday night fever playing over and over at full volume and your friend says something really important about the best looking person in the room fancying you,however all you hear is muffled garbage and say...'' a week last Tuesday I think''...and nobody bothers speaking to you anymore because they think your'e mad.
So I've been self-absorbed,plunging myself into decorating,home educating,( yes I still do that), and spring cleaning to the point that I have very little in the way of possessions left. It helps to focus on doing things,keeping busy but having O.C.D means I go a bit stringent with it all to say the least. That reminds me,I must polish the hamster...
Walking briskly is supposed to help,I think thats meant to apply to going out and walking briskly,in the slightly fresh air of Blackpool town centre,but I have no real urgent wish to encounter alcoholic,sweaty,toothless men every ten seconds,otherwise I'd shop at farmfoods. I don't think walking briskly up and down the stairs to re-clean the toilet as I only did it ten minutes ago counts. 
I do take anti-depressants,however in my little world I thought that if I only take them when I need them I would'nt become addicted. That sounds quite rational even for me,however,all was going well until the dredded 'bad' week occured. there was nothing in particular that made that week stand out as monumental,it was more my ability to keep all balls in the air whilst fitting a new doorstop for half an hour,only to discover it doesn't stop the door from opening too far as the door passes over it. Then I took my eye off of the afore-mentioned balls for one second and WHAM,( no not a mildly ok 80's gay icon duo), my life caught up with me,Dad dying,Mum ill,kids almost grown up,my aches and bloody intense pains and my inability to remember ANYTHING,and I fell,I took the damn anti-depressants all week to combat it all. Oh yes,now I was in trouble,because you can't just go back to the odd one or two,as I discovered,now that you feel a bit better,Oh no,now I have to take them all of the time. 
Well,I don't,and consequently an interesting set of events occured. Firstly I was tearful,then angry at everything,including bloody 'men at work' signs in the middle of the pathway,I mean in the middle,dog mess either side too,I mean how the hell are you meant to get past for God's sake?.. Ahem anyway, then the worst thing,this was last week,suicidal thoughts. Now most of the time thoughts don't tend to occur often to me and if they do,they remain so briefly in my mind they don't cause much disruption,except when its thoughts of someone's birthday or a bill that needs paying,then its just annoying. But these thoughts would'nt go away,they just grew,with the tearfulness,anger and nail-biting habit I seem to have aquired. So I have had to work hard,as this is because I am coming down off of the tablet dependancy,cold turkey if you like,although I'm not a fan,it doesnt matter how much mayonnaise you slap on it,cold turkey is rank.
So,a million cups of coffee,more cigarettes than I can afford,( that's one whole packet then as my credit rating for a mortgage was piss poor), and alot of swearing later,I seem to be entering a my mind,not in Blackpool,there's no such thing.
So today I thought I would inflict myself upon you all again,Im sure no-one will really read this anyway,your'e not expecting me after all and besides,no-one picks up bad pennies,mainly because they're usually stuck to a piece of chewing gum on the pavement. I would say I'll probably be here quite often now,but making such wild claims when I have short term memory loss is futile. Another thing that's futile is making wild claims that I'll be here quite often. That's just bonkers.
Anyway I hope you are all well,Ive been reading up on as much as I could of everybody's blogs, I see Mort is back,he dusted his caps lock and went for procrastination,whatever the hell that means,it sounded good though,nice to see you Mort,...oh what the see you nice, I had to say it,just had to.
Ok Im off to go lift the lino and scrub my boards,make of that what you will,toodle pip and watch out for men with moth-eaten brown cases,apparently they think they work in government and can take money from the poor and give it to the rich...bloody looney.

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