Posts
Well folks,2 years after my last post,(or thereabouts),I'm posting again. It is actually down to Mort,I saw that he is writing a new blog,went over to his on link and realised I still had mine. It's been a long time,so much has happened....
Mum passed away not long after my last post,in August 2013,that year was manic and full of pain for one reason or another,mostly because my brothers felt attacking me was necessary.Anyway,Mum passed from a brain tumour,we picked ourselves up and tried to have a good Christmas,however shortly into the new year,we discovered my partner,Peter, has pancreatic cancer with secondary liver tumours. Of course its in-operable and of course its terminal. So today I am preparing for the worst,hes had all of the chemotherapy,he cant have anymore,and his health is in decline.
Hence the title...I need a crash helmet.
I dont know how often I can post whilst this is on-going,but I think I will need to when the dust settles,it helps me in bad times to vent out,write down feelings and leave them on the page,so I may do that. Thank you to anyone who may read this,it is helpful.All the best xxx
Monday, 15 June 2015
Wednesday, 20 March 2013
Well, its been a long time since I wrote here,the dogs were puppies, my house needed decorating and I was a bit younger. Only a bit...
Anyway,this has all been due to several things but one mostly, my depression.Firstly I don't feel the need to pass this onto my readers but also because its hard to talk about anything else when your mind is so full up.
It's like a big wad of cotton wool inside your head,it's soaked up all of the important day to day things you need to remember,that the rest of the rubbish is seeping out of the edges,things like how you feel about yourself,money worries etc,the cotton wool also blocks the part of the brain that deals with rational reason,therefore something bad happens,you think it's your fault,at this point the rational reasoning part would explain how it couldn't be your fault as you don't control everything and you're not responsible for everything. However being muffled or blocked,a very odd thing happens,your cotton wool absorbs the blame,muffles the voice of reason and leaves you therefore to your own devices to randomly attack yourself at will.
It's a bit like being at a 70's disco,Saturday night fever playing over and over at full volume and your friend says something really important about the best looking person in the room fancying you,however all you hear is muffled garbage and say...'' a week last Tuesday I think''...and nobody bothers speaking to you anymore because they think your'e mad.
So I've been self-absorbed,plunging myself into decorating,home educating,( yes I still do that), and spring cleaning to the point that I have very little in the way of possessions left. It helps to focus on doing things,keeping busy but having O.C.D means I go a bit stringent with it all to say the least. That reminds me,I must polish the hamster...
Walking briskly is supposed to help,I think thats meant to apply to going out and walking briskly,in the slightly fresh air of Blackpool town centre,but I have no real urgent wish to encounter alcoholic,sweaty,toothless men every ten seconds,otherwise I'd shop at farmfoods. I don't think walking briskly up and down the stairs to re-clean the toilet as I only did it ten minutes ago counts.
I do take anti-depressants,however in my little world I thought that if I only take them when I need them I would'nt become addicted. That sounds quite rational even for me,however,all was going well until the dredded 'bad' week occured. there was nothing in particular that made that week stand out as monumental,it was more my ability to keep all balls in the air whilst fitting a new doorstop for half an hour,only to discover it doesn't stop the door from opening too far as the door passes over it. Then I took my eye off of the afore-mentioned balls for one second and WHAM,( no not a mildly ok 80's gay icon duo), my life caught up with me,Dad dying,Mum ill,kids almost grown up,my aches and bloody intense pains and my inability to remember ANYTHING,and I fell,I took the damn anti-depressants all week to combat it all. Oh yes,now I was in trouble,because you can't just go back to the odd one or two,as I discovered,now that you feel a bit better,Oh no,now I have to take them all of the time.
Well,I don't,and consequently an interesting set of events occured. Firstly I was tearful,then angry at everything,including bloody 'men at work' signs in the middle of the pathway,I mean in the middle,dog mess either side too,I mean how the hell are you meant to get past for God's sake?.. Ahem anyway, then the worst thing,this was last week,suicidal thoughts. Now most of the time thoughts don't tend to occur often to me and if they do,they remain so briefly in my mind they don't cause much disruption,except when its thoughts of someone's birthday or a bill that needs paying,then its just annoying. But these thoughts would'nt go away,they just grew,with the tearfulness,anger and nail-biting habit I seem to have aquired. So I have had to work hard,as this is because I am coming down off of the tablet dependancy,cold turkey if you like,although I'm not a fan,it doesnt matter how much mayonnaise you slap on it,cold turkey is rank.
So,a million cups of coffee,more cigarettes than I can afford,( that's one whole packet then as my credit rating for a mortgage was piss poor), and alot of swearing later,I seem to be entering a clearing....in my mind,not in Blackpool,there's no such thing.
So today I thought I would inflict myself upon you all again,Im sure no-one will really read this anyway,your'e not expecting me after all and besides,no-one picks up bad pennies,mainly because they're usually stuck to a piece of chewing gum on the pavement. I would say I'll probably be here quite often now,but making such wild claims when I have short term memory loss is futile. Another thing that's futile is making wild claims that I'll be here quite often. That's just bonkers.
Anyway I hope you are all well,Ive been reading up on as much as I could of everybody's blogs, I see Mort is back,he dusted his caps lock and went for procrastination,whatever the hell that means,it sounded good though,nice to see you Mort,...oh what the hell...to see you nice, I had to say it,just had to.
Ok Im off to go lift the lino and scrub my boards,make of that what you will,toodle pip and watch out for men with moth-eaten brown cases,apparently they think they work in government and can take money from the poor and give it to the rich...bloody looney.
xxxxxx
Anyway,this has all been due to several things but one mostly, my depression.Firstly I don't feel the need to pass this onto my readers but also because its hard to talk about anything else when your mind is so full up.
It's like a big wad of cotton wool inside your head,it's soaked up all of the important day to day things you need to remember,that the rest of the rubbish is seeping out of the edges,things like how you feel about yourself,money worries etc,the cotton wool also blocks the part of the brain that deals with rational reason,therefore something bad happens,you think it's your fault,at this point the rational reasoning part would explain how it couldn't be your fault as you don't control everything and you're not responsible for everything. However being muffled or blocked,a very odd thing happens,your cotton wool absorbs the blame,muffles the voice of reason and leaves you therefore to your own devices to randomly attack yourself at will.
It's a bit like being at a 70's disco,Saturday night fever playing over and over at full volume and your friend says something really important about the best looking person in the room fancying you,however all you hear is muffled garbage and say...'' a week last Tuesday I think''...and nobody bothers speaking to you anymore because they think your'e mad.
So I've been self-absorbed,plunging myself into decorating,home educating,( yes I still do that), and spring cleaning to the point that I have very little in the way of possessions left. It helps to focus on doing things,keeping busy but having O.C.D means I go a bit stringent with it all to say the least. That reminds me,I must polish the hamster...
Walking briskly is supposed to help,I think thats meant to apply to going out and walking briskly,in the slightly fresh air of Blackpool town centre,but I have no real urgent wish to encounter alcoholic,sweaty,toothless men every ten seconds,otherwise I'd shop at farmfoods. I don't think walking briskly up and down the stairs to re-clean the toilet as I only did it ten minutes ago counts.
I do take anti-depressants,however in my little world I thought that if I only take them when I need them I would'nt become addicted. That sounds quite rational even for me,however,all was going well until the dredded 'bad' week occured. there was nothing in particular that made that week stand out as monumental,it was more my ability to keep all balls in the air whilst fitting a new doorstop for half an hour,only to discover it doesn't stop the door from opening too far as the door passes over it. Then I took my eye off of the afore-mentioned balls for one second and WHAM,( no not a mildly ok 80's gay icon duo), my life caught up with me,Dad dying,Mum ill,kids almost grown up,my aches and bloody intense pains and my inability to remember ANYTHING,and I fell,I took the damn anti-depressants all week to combat it all. Oh yes,now I was in trouble,because you can't just go back to the odd one or two,as I discovered,now that you feel a bit better,Oh no,now I have to take them all of the time.
Well,I don't,and consequently an interesting set of events occured. Firstly I was tearful,then angry at everything,including bloody 'men at work' signs in the middle of the pathway,I mean in the middle,dog mess either side too,I mean how the hell are you meant to get past for God's sake?.. Ahem anyway, then the worst thing,this was last week,suicidal thoughts. Now most of the time thoughts don't tend to occur often to me and if they do,they remain so briefly in my mind they don't cause much disruption,except when its thoughts of someone's birthday or a bill that needs paying,then its just annoying. But these thoughts would'nt go away,they just grew,with the tearfulness,anger and nail-biting habit I seem to have aquired. So I have had to work hard,as this is because I am coming down off of the tablet dependancy,cold turkey if you like,although I'm not a fan,it doesnt matter how much mayonnaise you slap on it,cold turkey is rank.
So,a million cups of coffee,more cigarettes than I can afford,( that's one whole packet then as my credit rating for a mortgage was piss poor), and alot of swearing later,I seem to be entering a clearing....in my mind,not in Blackpool,there's no such thing.
So today I thought I would inflict myself upon you all again,Im sure no-one will really read this anyway,your'e not expecting me after all and besides,no-one picks up bad pennies,mainly because they're usually stuck to a piece of chewing gum on the pavement. I would say I'll probably be here quite often now,but making such wild claims when I have short term memory loss is futile. Another thing that's futile is making wild claims that I'll be here quite often. That's just bonkers.
Anyway I hope you are all well,Ive been reading up on as much as I could of everybody's blogs, I see Mort is back,he dusted his caps lock and went for procrastination,whatever the hell that means,it sounded good though,nice to see you Mort,...oh what the hell...to see you nice, I had to say it,just had to.
Ok Im off to go lift the lino and scrub my boards,make of that what you will,toodle pip and watch out for men with moth-eaten brown cases,apparently they think they work in government and can take money from the poor and give it to the rich...bloody looney.
xxxxxx
Friday, 1 July 2011
Update
Hi all,I hope everyone's well.I have been meaning to update but time is just flying by at the moment.
Whether you understood my previous posts about a puppy or not,you will probably gather that on 8th July I am to welcome our new arrival,Oscar,the minature Dacshund....WRONG !!
We had some bad news two weeks ago now,at the time we thought things were going to be so upsetting,and dont get me wrong,we have been so very upset,but I will digress and see what you think.
Little Oscar has a cleft pallette,for those not in the know,in his case anyway,this means he has a slit or opening in the roof of his mouth from the area of the front teeth to near the middle of there.It is serious and was especially so when he was trying to suckle.Milk was going straight up his nose,and any first solids too,yes it is uncomfortable for him but it is dangerous too.Firstly and most obvious was that he wasnt getting the nutrients to his stomach and thus was small and underweight.However,also when eating solids,should they collect in the hole and cause an infection,he could develop pnumonia and may have to be put to sleep.
Alot of breeders dont report cleft pallettes because the puppy usually passes away from starvation in the first few days,without them being aware alot of the time.( I dont want to be controversial here so I am being careful with my words),however it is also the case that people dont want a puppy that has this problem as it means problem eating,supervision and a possible operation.
Oscar is now nearly 8 weeks old,I am happy to say he is gaining weight through the hard work of the lady breeder who has him now.She has offered us Oscar for free as we felt we would have him anyway.However I have another bit of news,we are buying his sister Molly,there were only two pups in the litter,Molly was due to go to another buyer but he backed out,and we felt Oscar stood a better chance with his sister beside him.
He is thus far almost the same size as Molly now,he has battled hard and we are hopeful that he continues to do so.I dont want to jinx anything here so I cant be too optimistic.
So we will have double trouble but double the love in the house soon.Oscar will probably need an operation to close the cleft at about 6-8 months old,if it doesnt close on its own,but thats rare.He has to thrive and continue to grow until then,the later it is left the better the prognosis of the cleft not re-opening.I have no idea on the cost but as things go,a specialist vet will probably be needed,as alot of puppies do not survive this or are put to sleep,so theres not alot of vets who can do this operation,Im sure we will be looking at around £600.00.I think he is worth it.
Around the same time we will have Molly Spayed,thats not cheap either but can I just say that sometimes in life you have to have faith.Whether you have religion in your life or not,I believe that all things happen for a reason and that without the effort made to help Oscar survive he would have perished,if he makes it and has the operation,if it is successful,it was meant to be,hes a fighter and a little darling.Molly is a blessing,we hadnt paid any attention to her when we visited Oscar,as we thought she was going to someone else,so we have made a massive fuss of her recently,what an absolute angel she is,so loving and funny,a little pudding tummy and she snuggles so sweetly to you if you cuddle her.Our house needs this love in it,to ease alot of pain.
I cant wait until next friday,wish us luck and prayers for Oscar please,we need them.
xxxxxxxx
Whether you understood my previous posts about a puppy or not,you will probably gather that on 8th July I am to welcome our new arrival,Oscar,the minature Dacshund....WRONG !!
We had some bad news two weeks ago now,at the time we thought things were going to be so upsetting,and dont get me wrong,we have been so very upset,but I will digress and see what you think.
Little Oscar has a cleft pallette,for those not in the know,in his case anyway,this means he has a slit or opening in the roof of his mouth from the area of the front teeth to near the middle of there.It is serious and was especially so when he was trying to suckle.Milk was going straight up his nose,and any first solids too,yes it is uncomfortable for him but it is dangerous too.Firstly and most obvious was that he wasnt getting the nutrients to his stomach and thus was small and underweight.However,also when eating solids,should they collect in the hole and cause an infection,he could develop pnumonia and may have to be put to sleep.
Alot of breeders dont report cleft pallettes because the puppy usually passes away from starvation in the first few days,without them being aware alot of the time.( I dont want to be controversial here so I am being careful with my words),however it is also the case that people dont want a puppy that has this problem as it means problem eating,supervision and a possible operation.
Oscar is now nearly 8 weeks old,I am happy to say he is gaining weight through the hard work of the lady breeder who has him now.She has offered us Oscar for free as we felt we would have him anyway.However I have another bit of news,we are buying his sister Molly,there were only two pups in the litter,Molly was due to go to another buyer but he backed out,and we felt Oscar stood a better chance with his sister beside him.
He is thus far almost the same size as Molly now,he has battled hard and we are hopeful that he continues to do so.I dont want to jinx anything here so I cant be too optimistic.
So we will have double trouble but double the love in the house soon.Oscar will probably need an operation to close the cleft at about 6-8 months old,if it doesnt close on its own,but thats rare.He has to thrive and continue to grow until then,the later it is left the better the prognosis of the cleft not re-opening.I have no idea on the cost but as things go,a specialist vet will probably be needed,as alot of puppies do not survive this or are put to sleep,so theres not alot of vets who can do this operation,Im sure we will be looking at around £600.00.I think he is worth it.
Around the same time we will have Molly Spayed,thats not cheap either but can I just say that sometimes in life you have to have faith.Whether you have religion in your life or not,I believe that all things happen for a reason and that without the effort made to help Oscar survive he would have perished,if he makes it and has the operation,if it is successful,it was meant to be,hes a fighter and a little darling.Molly is a blessing,we hadnt paid any attention to her when we visited Oscar,as we thought she was going to someone else,so we have made a massive fuss of her recently,what an absolute angel she is,so loving and funny,a little pudding tummy and she snuggles so sweetly to you if you cuddle her.Our house needs this love in it,to ease alot of pain.
I cant wait until next friday,wish us luck and prayers for Oscar please,we need them.
xxxxxxxx
Friday, 3 June 2011
Ooer Missus !!
Hi all,anyone who knows me will know I cant let this go,lol,Im having puppies? Ha ha Oh bless Guido he's lovely, that will keep me warm for a few weeks.
Anyway,those who have found me via Facebooks' call for help,Welcome and my deepest sympathies.
Im afraid I dont really deal with deep and meaningful topics here,just moaning and toilets really,occaisionally I drop in the odd word from the wise but I wouldnt get your hopes up.
I have ceased the decorating at the moment,mainly due to lack of funds.I am currently getting ESA benefit and Im in the support group as I have P.T.S.D.( Lucky old me),I say currently because under this government nothing is certain,you cannot get used to anything at all.
Something I thought was worth sharing,if you didnt already know,those of us who have or do play the lottery,may still be under the assumption that you can tick a box to remain anonymous.Not true as I discovered tuesday.
I was about to check my ticket online,I looked on the back and read the rules,now generally,if you won,say,£20,000,you can get the first £500.00 in cash from a lottery nominated post office,you have to take photo I.D.,proof of address and your youngest child as a live sacrifice,( scrub that last,that was sarcasm),the remaining monies are given to you in a cheque.Now as soon as that hits your bank,not only does Mr.Inland revenue know about it,but so does the benefit agency.
Im sure everyone agrees that benefit fraud is wrong,however you might want your £19,500 to go to your children/grandchildren.Well I m afraid you will have to live on it,if you have means tested benefits,such as housing benefit,council tax benefit,ESA,JSA,etc etc,you will stop getting them and have to pay your rent,council tax,and everything else,ask yourself how long that will last,thats without providing bank statements to show you didnt buy a telly or a new settee or bed.
It is widely thought that you are allowed up to £16,000 in savings,but the small print says different,you can be made to use this to live on in some circumstances,so leaving some to pay for your funeral in an account,and to settle any debts you may leave wont happen either.
Want to play the lottery now?
Well lets hope you win big time,otherwise it could be 7 years in prison if you try to hide it.For heavens sake dont buy that plasma 50" makes the coffee in the morning telly !!
OOh thats a bugger.No Jeremy Kyle in singing and dancing HD quality with knobs on.
I was due to win soon,the same numbers every week,twice a week,grrr.
I think I shall spend the money on some cake...mmm carrot cake with icing,or coffee and walnut cake,now that cant be a crime...can it?
Tc all xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Anyway,those who have found me via Facebooks' call for help,Welcome and my deepest sympathies.
Im afraid I dont really deal with deep and meaningful topics here,just moaning and toilets really,occaisionally I drop in the odd word from the wise but I wouldnt get your hopes up.
I have ceased the decorating at the moment,mainly due to lack of funds.I am currently getting ESA benefit and Im in the support group as I have P.T.S.D.( Lucky old me),I say currently because under this government nothing is certain,you cannot get used to anything at all.
Something I thought was worth sharing,if you didnt already know,those of us who have or do play the lottery,may still be under the assumption that you can tick a box to remain anonymous.Not true as I discovered tuesday.
I was about to check my ticket online,I looked on the back and read the rules,now generally,if you won,say,£20,000,you can get the first £500.00 in cash from a lottery nominated post office,you have to take photo I.D.,proof of address and your youngest child as a live sacrifice,( scrub that last,that was sarcasm),the remaining monies are given to you in a cheque.Now as soon as that hits your bank,not only does Mr.Inland revenue know about it,but so does the benefit agency.
Im sure everyone agrees that benefit fraud is wrong,however you might want your £19,500 to go to your children/grandchildren.Well I m afraid you will have to live on it,if you have means tested benefits,such as housing benefit,council tax benefit,ESA,JSA,etc etc,you will stop getting them and have to pay your rent,council tax,and everything else,ask yourself how long that will last,thats without providing bank statements to show you didnt buy a telly or a new settee or bed.
It is widely thought that you are allowed up to £16,000 in savings,but the small print says different,you can be made to use this to live on in some circumstances,so leaving some to pay for your funeral in an account,and to settle any debts you may leave wont happen either.
Want to play the lottery now?
Well lets hope you win big time,otherwise it could be 7 years in prison if you try to hide it.For heavens sake dont buy that plasma 50" makes the coffee in the morning telly !!
OOh thats a bugger.No Jeremy Kyle in singing and dancing HD quality with knobs on.
I was due to win soon,the same numbers every week,twice a week,grrr.
I think I shall spend the money on some cake...mmm carrot cake with icing,or coffee and walnut cake,now that cant be a crime...can it?
Tc all xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Wednesday, 25 May 2011
Hi all
I have only just realised that I haven't written here since January,where has the time gone? We are fast approaching June and it just seems like everyone else is running whilst I stand still.Its either the onset of old age or my menopause is catching up on me....or both,help !!
I have done all the decorating that I can for now,every room is looking pretty good,Im hoping to sand floorboards and stain them later in the year...I know I know,I need a hobby.
No the bathroom is not done,thats a sore point!! ( Said the actress to the bishop),nothing wants to work in my bathroom and I dont have the money to fix it,Ive talked to the landlord.....still no result,so I have to complain,ARRGGHH,why cant things go right for once?
Thats all I need an angry landlord,still if Im good for anything,its complaining.
Anyway,on the bright side,we are expecting a new little bundle of joy,( yes I have been busy),it wont be long now the due date is 8th July but you know nothing ever goes to plan here so I will try to keep you posted,if Im not asleep in the chair from exhaustion.
So without further ado,for those who insist on a photo/picture.....drum roll please....
Tissues at the ready,please give a big 'aww' for baby Oscar...
I have done all the decorating that I can for now,every room is looking pretty good,Im hoping to sand floorboards and stain them later in the year...I know I know,I need a hobby.
No the bathroom is not done,thats a sore point!! ( Said the actress to the bishop),nothing wants to work in my bathroom and I dont have the money to fix it,Ive talked to the landlord.....still no result,so I have to complain,ARRGGHH,why cant things go right for once?
Thats all I need an angry landlord,still if Im good for anything,its complaining.
Anyway,on the bright side,we are expecting a new little bundle of joy,( yes I have been busy),it wont be long now the due date is 8th July but you know nothing ever goes to plan here so I will try to keep you posted,if Im not asleep in the chair from exhaustion.
So without further ado,for those who insist on a photo/picture.....drum roll please....
Tissues at the ready,please give a big 'aww' for baby Oscar...
Friday, 21 January 2011
Hi all
Happy new year,a bit late I know folks but Im never on time these days.Im making 2011 another fresh start,decorating and working on improving an otherwise perfect Zoe.Who am I kidding?
Anyway,the decorating in a large 100 year old house with subsidence,is proving...tricky but challenging.Holes,gaps,chasms and the odd large spider,all sent to try me.I wont mention the toilet...actually it deserves a brief mention,its rocking off of the wall now,actually its quite a ride when you reach for the toilet paper,it could rival 'the big one' rollercoaster ride here in Blackpool,I should sell tickets.However,a new bathroom suite is needed,once I can get the archaic shower removed,its difficult not just because of its location,(close to the wall),not just because its hooked up to a tank in the bathroom itself,but for the landlord to pay to remove it,it has to be non-functional.We cant use the bath often because it leaks so we need a working shower.Perplexing eh?
My eldest son and his girlfriend moved out just before Christmas,so they are settled in their new home,so a good time for a clean sweep me thinks.
Well I hope you are all well,I hope I can blog here a bit more than I have been lately,its not easy but I will see you all soon,stay happy xxxxxxxxxxx
Anyway,the decorating in a large 100 year old house with subsidence,is proving...tricky but challenging.Holes,gaps,chasms and the odd large spider,all sent to try me.I wont mention the toilet...actually it deserves a brief mention,its rocking off of the wall now,actually its quite a ride when you reach for the toilet paper,it could rival 'the big one' rollercoaster ride here in Blackpool,I should sell tickets.However,a new bathroom suite is needed,once I can get the archaic shower removed,its difficult not just because of its location,(close to the wall),not just because its hooked up to a tank in the bathroom itself,but for the landlord to pay to remove it,it has to be non-functional.We cant use the bath often because it leaks so we need a working shower.Perplexing eh?
My eldest son and his girlfriend moved out just before Christmas,so they are settled in their new home,so a good time for a clean sweep me thinks.
Well I hope you are all well,I hope I can blog here a bit more than I have been lately,its not easy but I will see you all soon,stay happy xxxxxxxxxxx
Thursday, 16 December 2010
Merry Christmas
Ive noticed alot of you dont seem to come here so often now,its not AO Hell now is it? However I wanted to wish you all a very merry Christmas and a peaceful new year.I hope you all make it through this cold snap safely and with good health,
Lots of love xxxxx
Lots of love xxxxx
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